"William Lynch"
by Michael Dell

CHAPTER NINE

For not wanting to go to the party, William sure as hell worried about it enough. He sat around trying to plan a routine. Well, maybe not a full routine, but at least two or three jokes he could employ at some point during the evening, a little something to break the ice.

The only problem was that he didn't know who exactly was going to be at the party. This left him at a distinct disadvantage. It's tough to plan an attack when you don't even know the enemy. He decided he'd just have to wing it, stay close to Meghan at all times and just feed off any straight lines that came his way. Yeah, that'll work. Maybe.

The next big concern was what to wear. He woke up at the ungodly hour of two in the afternoon to address this very issue. He didn't want to come off looking like a poor orphan boy in front of her friends, but at the same time his wardrobe was limited. Aside from a dizzying array of T- shirts and thermal underwear, he didn't have much in the way of selection. He continually wore the same pair of battered jeans and merely rotated one of about six flannel shirts. However, since this night was special, he elected to bust out a pair of dark grey Dockers. The flannel was blue-and-green plaid. That's swank. And since it was such a special occasion, he actually buttoned the flannel. Of course, he still left the right sleeve cuff unbuttoned, but that was his tag. It was his trademark. Couldn't change that.

It was six o'clock before he finally felt confident in his appearance, or at least as satisfied as he could get. Then again, apathetic would be a more apt description. To William, indifference was bliss.

There was still time left to pay another friend a visit. He grabbed his wallet, keys, and coat, and carefully sat down on the couch so as not to mess up his pants. He turned on the TV and took in a rerun of "The Simpsons." It was the Krusty Klown Kollege episode. Things were looking up.

At exactly 6:45 there was a knock at the door. She's punctual.

"Are you ready?" asked Meghan with a sense of excitement. The rush of seeing her made William want to open the door again.

"I suppose so," replied William half-heartedly as he stepped into the hall and pulled the door shut behind him.

"C'mon, it'll be fun!" assured Meghan.

"Doubtful."

"Well, at least you look nice."

"Thanks."

She took a step back in order to provide a better view. "And?"

"I think I look nice too."

"Hey!"

"I'm just kidding." He put his arm around her and they began to make their way down the steps. "I think I look great."

"You're such an ass."

"Thanks. I really don't think it's my best feature, but I get by. So, who's driving?"

"It doesn't matter to me."

William skipped ahead and opened the main door for her. "My car sort of has this nasty gash on the right back fender. I'm kind of embarrassed to drive it places."

Meghan lowered her head in guilt. "I'll drive."

"Okay. And, hey, while you're driving I'll keep an eye out for parked cars."

They spent the trip to Plum discussing the people who would be at the party. Karen, the hostess for the evening, had graduated from Pitt with Meghan. She majored in communications and worked at a radio station in Pittsburgh. Her husband Dave was an accountant. He was two years older. It was a fact that made William feel somewhat relieved. After all, he could get a job, a house, and a wife in two years, or maybe three. Well, four would probably be more realistic, what with mortgage rates being what they are. Okay, five years tops.

Also slated to show was an old high school friend named Nicole, who was still a medical student at Penn State. She was expected to bring her boyfriend Jim, who had graduated from Penn State with a degree in journalism and just started writing for the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette. William couldn't even afford to get a newspaper.

Those four - Karen, Dave, Nicole, and Jim - were the only ones Meghan knew would definitely be there. William was fairly bad with names, so he kept going over them in his mind the rest of the way. Karen, Dave, Nicole, Jim. Karen, Dan, Nicole, Jim. Karen, Dan, Michele, Gary.

Thirty-two minutes after they departed, Meghan and William pulled up to a picturesque split- level house in a pleasant looking neighborhood in lovely suburban Plum. There were already two cars in the driveway and two others in front of the house. At least they weren't the first ones there.

"So this is it, huh?" asked William as he shut his car door.

"Yeah."

"And they own this house? They don't live with their mom or anything?"

"It's theirs."

Meghan took his arm and escorted him to the front door. As she was about to ring the bell William grabbed her hand. "You know what? I think I left my oven on."

"Nice try." She rang the bell.

Almost immediately, an attractive woman with short brown hair opened the door. This must be Karen. Even though she was supposedly just 23, she seemed to have an added air of maturity about her. Owning a house does that to people.

"Meg!" Needless to say, she was delighted to see Meghan. They hugged. "I'm so glad you could make it."

"It's been too long," Meghan said with sincerity.

It was right about then that Karen turned her eyes towards William. Even though she was still smiling it was clear that she was somewhat taken aback by seeing someone other than Mark. William sheepishly raised his right hand in a meager excuse for a wave and offered a slight, "Hi."

Thankfully, Meghan came to the rescue. "Karen, I'd like you to meet William. William, Karen."

They shook hands.

"It's nice to meet you," said Karen, still showing some evidence of surprise.

"Yeah, you too."

"Here, let me take your coats."

William helped Meghan off with hers and then handed them both to Karen with a polite, "Thanks."

Karen motioned to the steps. "Everyone else is downstairs."

William waited for Meghan and Karen to go first and noticed that they exchanged a meaningful glance. He was really starting to wish that oven gag worked.

"Look who's here," announced Karen as she entered the basement, stepping aside to present Meghan.

"Hey, it's Meg!" exclaimed a stocky fellow leaning against the fireplace mantle on the far wall. "And some guy I don't know!"

"Everyone," began Meghan, "This is William. William, this is Karen's husband Dave." Dave was the stocky man in question. He happily greeted William with a firm handshake. Almost a little too firm, William was frail and all. Meghan continued the introductions. "That's Jim and Nicole. And that's Jerry and Melissa." William exchanged greetings with all four. While the other guests opted for a "hi", a nod of the head, or an informal wave, William went with the old six-gun point made famous by Paul Newman on Dave Letterman's first show on CBS. He liked to use it whenever possible. It always went over big with the kids.

The room itself was decorated in maroon and forest green, with tan carpeting and black wood paneling. It was a nice combination. Gave it an earthy feel. There were two full-length green cloth couches; one against the front wall underneath a pair of windows and the other was found on the same wall as the door. And the door was one of those wacky sliding deals that disappeared into the wall. This was done to accommodate the couch.

Most of the seating was already taken, but there were three wooden dining chairs set up in sort of a circular pattern with the couches. They were obviously striving for a night of conversation. And it would have to be, because there wasn't a TV to be found anywhere in the room. William noticed that before anything else. There was some music playing in the background, though. It was of the radio variety. An on-air promo revealed it to be the local alternative station, 105.9 WXDX. William never asked what radio station Karen worked for, but this seemed to put the matter to rest.

"Can I get you two anything to drink?" asked Karen, gesturing to a table in the back half of the room. "We've got beer, cider, wine, whatever you want."

"I wouldn't mind a small glass of wine," said Meghan.

"William?"

"Nothing for me, thanks." William never felt right about accepting food and beverages at someone else's house. He never wanted to be a burden to anybody. Even strangers.

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah, I'm fine. Thanks anyway, though."

Meghan and William sat down in two of the chairs. Karen delivered Meghan her glass of red wine and then found an open slot on the couch. Dave continued to hold his position by the mantle. He was apparently in the process of prolonging the life of a small fire. It added more atmosphere to the proceedings than heat.

"I didn't think you guys were going to be here tonight," directed Meghan to the people identified as Melissa and Jerry.

"I had to get away from the books for at least one night," replied Melissa. "I'm just fed up with school at the moment."

Meghan turned to William. "Melissa goes to Penn State with Nicole." William just nodded his head. He was still trying to get a read on the room. Everyone seemed nice enough. Karen was giving him a strange look, but the rest of the crowd seemed friendly. Either they didn't know Mark or they couldn't give a rat's ass about him. William even picked up the sense that Jerry didn't want to be there either, so that made him like Jerry.

"How do you know our Meg, William?" asked Karen bluntly.

"She moved in across the hall from me."

"You like your new place?" asked Dave.

"It's nice. It's not as big as my old apartment, but I think I'll get used to it. William's really helped me get adjusted."

"Oh, really!" grinned Nicole.

Meghan took a sip of her wine and sent a playful glance to William. It was met by a hint of embarrassment. He then shrugged his shoulders and turned up his hands as he offered, "I do what I can."

Karen continued her inquiry. "William, since you're the new face around here would you like to tell us a little bit about yourself?"

"No, but thanks for asking." It got a laugh from everybody except Karen, and almost caused Meghan to choke on her wine.

"He's just kidding," explained Meghan. "He does that."

"Yeah, I'm sorry. Go ahead, ask me whatever."

"Well, what do you do?" questioned Karen.

"As little as possible." He was starting to warm up.

Meghan laughed and gave him a shove. "He's an artist."

"Really?" joined Dave. "Do you paint?"

"Yeah."

"That's terrific."

"It's not that big a deal. I think everybody would paint if they could."

"Yeah, but not many people follow through with it. You're actually doing it." William was starting to like Dave.

"His stuff is excellent, too," interjected Meghan. "You should see it. I'm trying to convince him to put a show together locally."

"Don't listen to her, she gets carried away. I'm not that good."

"Believe me, he is," countered Meghan.

"We're still talking about painting, right?" asked Nicole with a sly smile.

"Anyway..." interrupted William, "this is a lovely house, Dave. How long have you guys lived here?"

"Don't change the subject!" snapped Nicole. "I want to hear more about how good you are?"

William looked to Dave in desperate need of assistance.

"We've been here about six months," cooperated Dave.

Nicole slumped back into the couch. "You're no fun. Meghan, we'll talk later."

Jim looked at William with some sympathy, "Just think, I get to be around her all the time."

"You're a lucky man," replied William.

Dave gave the fire one final shot with the iron poker and sat down beside William in the third wooden chair. "Before you guys got here we were talking politics. Are you as liberal as Meg?"

"I don't know," William turned to Meghan, "Am I as liberal as you?" Meghan just shrugged. William turned back to Dave, "We've never really discussed politics together. I'm not real big on the politics."

"Speak on, brother," chimed Jerry after taking a hit of a Rolling Rock.

"I take it then, that like our friend Jerry, you aren't registered to vote?" asked Dave with some disapproval.

"Oh, no, I'm registered," began William. "But I'm registered Whig. And since we really haven't had a viable candidate in over 200 years, I'm pretty much screwed come Election Day."

It wasn't often that William dipped into historical humor, but everyone seemed to enjoy it. Except for Nicole.

"I don't get it," she said.

"Would it have helped if I said Bull Moose? Because I was gonna go with Bull Moose, but then I switched to Whig at the last second."

"No."

"Well, don't worry, we'll print up a transcript and go over it after the show."

Dave tried again. "As an artist, don't you have any thoughts about the NEA?"

"No, I hate basketball."

Dave realized it was futile. "Well, if we can't talk about politics, what should we talk about?"

"No sports," warned Karen.

"She doesn't like sports," whispered Dave in William's direction. "Then I guess that just leaves religion."

"Oh boy..." moaned Jerry.

"Any thoughts on religion, William?" asked Dave.

"You guys don't fool around, do ya?"

"We like to get right to it."

"Is anyone here real religious?"

"We've been known to go to church," answered Karen.

"In that case, I think religion is great. Next topic?"

"Don't you believe in God?" asked Karen.

"You mean the invisible man that sits up in the clouds and watches over our everyday lives? Not really."

"What do you believe?" asked Meghan.

William did a comic double take upon receiving the question from her. He wasn't expecting an attack from the right flank. But they never really talked about this sort of stuff so it was only natural that she'd be curious. It would have probably been better, though, to bring it up at a different time. Oh well.

"I don't really believe in much. I just don't feel the need to have religious faith in my life. But if you do that's great. I'm glad you have something that makes you feel that way."

"So you have no thoughts about life and what it means?" followed up Karen.

"Seriously, is it warm in here?"

"Answer the question," prodded Meghan with a smile.

William turned to her and asked, "You love this, don't you?" Her smile urged him forth. "I just don't want to say anything that would offend you. I mean, I'm a guest in your house and..."

"Don't worry about it. Just answer the question," pressured Karen.

"Trust me, she won't leave you alone until you answer," advised Dave.

"Well, okay... I don't believe in god. I don't believe god created man, I think man created god. I think organized religion is a joke. I think life is meaningless. Basically, we're all born dead. What's the difference if we die today, tomorrow, or forty years from now? In the year 2312 we'll all still be dead. Take Michelangelo. He's been dead four hundred years, but, in the grand scheme of things, he's just begun to be dead. It doesn't matter. I think all life is an illusion created by a mess of electrical impulses that are sorted out by a fluke of a brainstem that just happened to develop over millions of years from a rare combination of gas and matter. But then you get into what created the gas and matter? And what was there before that? And why was there even a 'there' to begin with? And how can I even consider such thoughts constructed of words and phrases that were given meaning without my consent and drilled into my subconscious against my free will? After a while it just drives me crazy and I end up punching a wall and wishing I never existed."

He paused. The room was silent. He looked from face to face and found nothing but blank, emotionless stares. Even Meghan seemed a bit surprised at the casualness of the outburst.

"But, hey, that's not to say life can't be a good thing," continued William in an attempt to win back favor. "Everyone should strive to be a good person and respect one another, but I think you should do what makes you happy and then get out. That's what I believe."

There was more silence. Jim, somewhat stunned, stood up and announced, "Who wants another drink?" Everyone in the room save William raised his or her hand.

"I'm sorry, but you asked," said William to Karen. He then turned to Meghan, "She asked."

"It's okay," explained Meghan to the room, "he doesn't get out much."

"You know, that's true. She's right about that," confirmed William apologetically.

"And now I think we know why," cracked Jerry. He gave William a pat on the shoulder as he walked by to get another beer.

"Maybe we should try and lighten the mood a bit," suggested Dave.

"I think that's an excellent idea," agreed William whole-heartedly.

"Wanna play a drinking game?" offered Jerry as he flipped open another green bottle.

"William and I really don't drink that much," said Meghan.

"Really?" questioned Jerry as he stepped in front of William on the way back to his seat. "I would have thought you had alcoholic written all over you."

"No, I really don't have the commitment needed to become an alcoholic."

"So what should we do?" asked Jim as he was making his way back to his seat.

"If this was 'The Dick Van Dyke Show' we'd play charades," suggested William.

A surprised Meghan looked to William and asked, "You want to play charades?"

"No."

"Oh, I know!" said Karen with surprising enthusiasm. "My mom was cleaning out the closet the other day and found the old Trivial Pursuit game. What do you say?"

"That sounds good to me," confirmed Dave.

"I'm sure anything that will keep me from talking will be a crowd pleaser at the moment," said William.

"All right then, I'll go get it. Meg, why don't you help me?"

"Sit down, honey, I'll go get it," offered Dave.

"No, Meghan and I will get it. She hasn't seen what we've done to the upstairs. C'mon, Meg."

"Um , okay." Meghan looked at William with some trepidation and slowly got out of her chair.

"I'll help," said Nicole, lunging from her seat to join the parade. "C'mon, Melissa, let's help."

"Okay."

As Melissa stepped out into the hall she slid the door shut behind her, leaving the four men alone to contemplate what just happened.

"That game must be in a pretty big fuckin' box if it takes four of them to carry it," said Jerry.

Dave went back to stoking the fire.

"I don't think your wife likes me," admitted William.

"It's not that, I just think we were all a little surprised that Meghan brought you instead of Mark."

"Who?"

"Her boyfriend. You know she has a boyfriend, right? Or at least she had one..."

"Oh yeah, I met him. He's a nice guy. He was out of town and Meghan just asked if I wanted to tag along tonight to keep her company. That's all. Oh, you don't think? Me and Meghan? Oh, no, we're just really good friends."

Meanwhile, upstairs in Karen's bedroom:

"We're just really good friends," submitted Meghan before the inquisition.

"What about Mark?" asked Nicole.

"What about him?"

"Does he know about William?" demanded Karen.

"There's nothing to know. I told you we're just friends. He's been spending too much time on his work lately and I thought it would be good for him to get out and meet some new people. That's all. If I knew it was going to be such a hassle I would have left him at home. You don't like him, do you?"

"It's not that, I was just surprised to see you with someone other than Mark. You could have called and let me know."

"I'm sorry. You're right. I should have called. But what do you guys think of him?"

"He seems nice. A little strange, but nice," conceded Karen.

"I think he's kind of cute," contributed Melissa. "In, like, a sickly dog sort of way."

"Yeah, but what was all that gloom and doom stuff?" questioned Nicole. "You know, he could be nuts."

"I prefer to think of him as deep," defended Meghan.

It wasn't long before the women returned, with Karen bringing up the rear and toting the Trivial Pursuit.

"How did the four of you manage the stairs carrying such a massive box?" asked Jim sarcastically.

"We all took a corner," replied Karen.

"I carried the heavy end," boasted Nicole.

"How are we going to do this? Four teams of two? Just keep it by couple?" asked Karen.

Everyone agreed and formed a circle around the board. A quick review of the rules was given and each team selected a spoked-wheel of their choice. Of course, William selected brown, the most drab color available.

"I think since William's the true guest here we should allow his team to go first," said Karen, pushing the die across the board to him. Not quite an olive branch, but close.

"Here, you roll," said William, deferring to Meghan. "And you ask all the questions, too."

"What are you gonna do?"

"I'll, like, answer all the questions and stuff."

She began to shake the die in her hand and smiled. "Well just let me know if you need any help along the way."

"Will do."

The roll came up a six. That's sweet right from the start. That meant they had their first crack at a piece of the pie.

"What color do you want?" asked William.

"What's literature? Brown? Go to brown."

"I'll read for 'em," volunteered Jerry. He reached over and pulled out the first card of the game. "Okay, for a piece of the pie, who created private detective Philip Marlowe?"

"I don't know," admitted Meghan painfully. She looked at William, "I don't read a lot of detective stories. Is it Dashiell Hammett?"

"That's a shame," sneered Jerry with delight. "The answer is..."

"Raymond Chandler," proclaimed William confidently.

Jerry looked up in disgust and slipped the card back into the box. "That's right."

"How'd you know that?" asked Meghan.

"I do what I can."

The next two rolls were a five and a two, putting them in line for their second piece of pie right out of the gate. The category was Science and Nature.

"What did Ira Remsen discover in 1879, perhaps proclaiming: 'How sweet it is!'?"

"Saccharin," answered William swiftly.

"What the fuck? How does someone know that?" complained Jerry. William merely shrugged and asked for the green piece of pie to be placed to the right of the brown one.

What followed next was an unbelievable display of trivial knowledge. No matter what the category, no matter how difficult the question, William provided the answer without the slightest hesitation.

"What football coach popularized the forward pass?"

"Knute Rockne."

"How many hoops are there on an Association croquet court?"

"Six."

"Which of Kahlil Gibran's books is considered his masterpiece?"

"The Prophet."

"What employment did Patricia Hearst claim when booked?"

"Urban terrorist."

"Who was The Peekaboo Girl?"

"Veronica Lake."

"Where is Loftleider Airlines based?"

"Iceland."

It was equal parts impressive and disgusting. Meghan was enjoying it immensely. She just rolled the die and then sat back and watched the show. After about the ninth consecutive answer a few protests of cheating were filed. They weren't sure how he was doing it, but he had to be cheating. They insisted that he covered his eyes before the next question was asked in fear that he was somehow seeing the back of the card as it was being pulled from the box or in the reflection of some object in the room. The restriction didn't hinder his performance.

"What was Jimmy Durante's theme song?"

"Inka Dinka Doo."

"Jesus Christ..." moaned Jerry as he slammed the card into the box.

"Who the hell's Jimmy Durante?" questioned an exasperated Melissa.

"How do you know all this?" asked Nicole in awe.

"More importantly, why do you know all this?" followed Jim.

"Just lucky, I guess," humbly replied William.

"I'm just glad he's on my team," said Meghan as she rolled another six.

"Someone else read to him, I'm tired," conceded a beaten Jerry.

In all, the string lasted nineteen questions and five pieces of pie. A geography question finally tripped him up when he couldn't name the currency needed to buy dinner in Iraq, Jordan, Tunisia, and Yugoslavia.

"The dinar!" exclaimed Melissa with obvious joy.

"Hey, you missed one!" shouted Jerry.

"I'm not real good with money," explained William.

While everyone else was relieved to finally get a turn, the feeling was short lived. Karen and Dave lasted three questions, Jerry and Melissa two, while Jim and Nicole were one and out. William then proceeded to string together seven more correct answers, accounting for the final piece of pie, and positioning them in the middle hub for the win.

"Here's a wild and crazy idea," began Dave, "but how about Meghan has to answer the winning question? We'll even give her Arts and Literature."

"That's cool with me," said William. "You up to it?"

"I don't know, I have kind of a tough act to follow."

"I have faith," said William.

"Okay," Dave pulled a card, "for the win... oh jeez, what painter's works included Potato Eaters, Cypress Road, and Starry Night?"

Meghan turned to William in a moment of panic, as if the answer had just fallen from her tongue. William gave her a "C'mon!" look and tapped himself twice on the chest with his left hand.

"Vincent van Gogh!" blurted Meghan.

"Yes!" celebrated William, raising his hands in victory and giving his teammate a well-deserved hug.

"Yeah, that was great," bemoaned Jerry before taking a mighty swig of beer.

"You realize that was probably the fastest four-team game of Trivial Pursuit ever recorded in the history of man," summarized Dave.

"Now what?" asked Jim.

"We could play again," offered Meghan.

The suggestion was beaten back by a collective "No!"

Karen quickly began to pack away the game before anyone changed their minds, and they all scurried back to the couches and chairs. Nicole pointed out the obvious, "That was sick."

"You wouldn't happen to know anything about Plato, would you?" asked Melissa of William.

"Why?"

"Dude, if you even say you know somethin' about Plato..." cried Jerry.

"We're supposed to talk about 'The Republic' on Monday and I haven't finished reading it," continued Melissa.

"What do you need to know?"

"You know about Plato?" asked Jerry in disbelief.

"Little bit. Little bit."

"So do you, like, know everything?"

"Where did you go to school?" asked Dave.

"He didn't," answered Meghan.

"But I do watch a lot of TV. So what do you need to know about Plato?"

"Well, we have this list of discussion points and one of them talks about a cave allegory. And I have no clue what that's about."

"Ah, the ol' Allegory of the Cave. I think I can set you straight on that one."

"Really?"

"Yeah, no problem. Does anybody mind if..."

"No, by all means," said Karen, "go right ahead. It should prove to be enlightening." Everyone, even Jerry, sat back in his or her seats and listened intently as William began to tell the tale.

"Okay, so there's all these guys imprisoned in this cave. And all they know of life is this dark, damp, dirty, filthy cave. That's it. They've never been outside. They've just been chained inside this cave their entire existence. The opening to the cave is right behind them, but no one ever even turns around to look. They're all too busy watching the light from the outside world create reflections on the walls of the cave. Then one day, one of the guys breaks his chains and splits for the exit. When he gets to the cave entrance he's nearly blinded by the sun. But his eyes slowly regain focus and he starts to see all the wonders of the outside world; the blue sky, the luscious green grass, everything Mother Nature has to offer. He goes out and wanders around a bit and then thinks, Hey, wait till the fellas back at the cave get a load of this,' and he sprints back there to tell them about all he's learned. But his fellow prisoners aren't real happy about hearing of his experiences. In fact, they even say they'd tear him limb from limb if their hands weren't shackled."

"Yeah?" pressed Melissa, hoping for more information.

"And that's about it. That's pretty much the whole story."

"But what does it mean?"

Meghan jumped in. "I think what Plato was saying," she turned to William, "You don't mind do you?"

"No, go right ahead."

"... is that some people are content to stay locked up in a cave their entire life without ever embracing new ideas. And that it was the job of the philosopher to venture outside the cave and bring back the new ideas of the outside world." She directed the last half of the answer to William. He accepted the challenge.

"Yeah, but don't forget about the other prisoners. While it's great that the supposed philosopher escaped and is willing to share knowledge that could improve their existence, they realize that they're still chained to the cave. Hearing about the beautiful things in life, things that they know they could never rightfully achieve, only furthers their pain." He looked Meghan in the eyes. "It tortures them to the point that they wish they never heard of such glorious things."

"But the philosopher broke his chains. They could too if they wanted."

"Not all chains are so easily broken."

"Would you two like to be alone?" interrupted Nicole.

"Sorry," excused William. "Did you get all that, Melissa?"

"Yeah, I think so," she said thoughtfully. "But let me just check... Meghan's the philosopher and you're the other prisoners, right?"

William turned to Meghan, "This is a tough room."

"Why can't you break your chains?" asked Nicole with devilish intent.

William leaped to his feet. "Hey, who wants to see me do some impressions?"

"What?" laughed Jim.

"Seriously, I'm the man of 1,000 walks. I can walk like anyone." William moved his chair out of the way and asked Meghan to slide over a bit to create a lane. He stepped towards the back of the room and then turned to face his audience. "First up is everyone's favorite Sweat Hog, Juan Epstein. Juan Epstein, ladies and gentlemen." He shook his shoulders a bit to loosen up and then began the magic.

Stooped ever so slightly at the waist and striding with an obvious bounce, William flung his left arm in front of him as he stepped out with his right heel. On to the toe, bend at the knee, right arm, left heel, repeat. He highlighted the performance with the classic line, "I got a note." Dave, Jim, and Jerry seemed to particularly enjoy the comedy, offering up a round of applause and even one or two stray whistles.

"Thank you. Thank you. And thank you. It's nice to see there are some 'Welcome Back, Kotter' fans in attendance tonight. I can really feel the love. You know what? You guys are so special, I'm gonna go right to my big gun. David Letterman." William returned to the back of the room before hesitating and heading to the door. "It will probably work better if I come in from the hall. It's easier to do around corners." He disappeared for a second and then popped back in to add, "Now pretend this is the door to the Ed Sullivan Theater and I'm on my way outside to do some wacky skit. Okay? Cool."

He returned to the shadows of the hallway and could be heard clearing his throat in preparation, which was kind of odd since he was just doing Letterman's walk. After feeling that he had allowed proper time for the suspense to build, he hurriedly bolted through the doorway with Letterman's classic stutter-step change of direction. The distinctive stride was accompanied by the ever present cautious waving of his hands, palms down of course, as if he was trying to sneak out of a restaurant without paying the check. It was a flawless characterization. The room erupted.

"Dude, that's fuckin' hilarious!" said Jerry, giving the ol' ringing-the-bell motion with his right hand in salute to the accomplishment. "Do it again!"

William obliged, retracing his steps as his gap-toothed idol and slipping back into the hallway. He emerged to take a bow and accept more accolades.

He motioned for everyone to sit down even though not a soul was standing. "You're too kind." He put up his hands in protest. "Please, you're embarrassing me!" Then he looked down at an imaginary watch on his right wrist while calling for more applause with his left hand. Back up with the stop sign. "Okay, that's enough. Really. Thank you."

"Who's next?" asked Dave.

"Did I do Epstein already?"

"Yeah."

"Then I got nothin'."

"I thought you were the man of a 1,000 walks?" called Nicole.

"I never said I was good with the math."

William spent the rest of the evening doing everything he could to steer the conversation away from his relationship with Meghan. He recited old jokes, told stories from his youth, and dispensed more useless trivia, anything to keep the night moving.

Shortly before midnight, the strain of the recent workload at the bookstore caught up to Meghan and she began to yawn. William seized the opportunity with, "You must be tired. Maybe we should go?" Meghan agreed and the two exchanged farewells with the other guests. Karen and Dave walked them to the door. William left the room as Letterman upon the request of Jerry.

"I'm sorry we have to leave so early," apologized Meghan.

"I'm just glad you were able to come," said Karen. " Let's not let so much time go by between visits." The two friends hugged good-bye.

"And it certainly was nice meeting you, William," stated Dave as he shook William's hand.

"Yeah, same here. I really had a good time." William then shook Karen's hand. "Thank you both very much for putting up with me."

"It was our pleasure," smiled Karen. William actually kind of believed the sentiment.

"You definitely made things entertaining," added Dave with understatement. "I hope we can all get together and do this again some time."

"Yeah, sure. That'll be great," agreed William.

"I'll call you," added Meghan.

William chipped in a "Thanks again" as they gave one final wave farewell on the way to the car. Karen and Dave watched from the doorway until the car started and Meghan began to pull away.

"I'm sorry," said a contrite William.

"For what?" asked Meghan.

"For everything. That was a mess."

"What are you talking about? They loved you."

"Somehow I doubt it."

"You were wonderful."

"You think so?"

"Yes."

"I don't really like to be that outgoing. I hate myself like that, even more so than usual. That's why I'm always uncomfortable around people. I always feel like I'm on stage, like I have to perform."

"Well, I think everyone enjoyed the show tonight." She paused. "I do have a few questions, though."

"What's that?"

"Were you cheating?"

"At Trivial Pursuit?"

"Yeah."

"No, absolutely not."

"Then how'd you know all that stuff?"

"I have the game at home. I've pretty much memorized all the questions. A guy has to do something while he's waiting for his potatoes to cook."

"But there are like thousands of questions."

"Well, I don't know them all. I click at about seventy-five percent, although I could probably bump that up to eighty or eighty-five if I owned a map. It's kind of tough to visualize those geography answers without one. But we got the luck of the draw. And you were rolling the dice like a champ."

"Isn't memorizing the questions still sort of cheating?"

"Knowledge is knowledge no matter how it's acquired. Don't you worry about that. And it wasn't like I was expecting to play tonight. Because if I was, believe me, I would have brought more than six bucks and we could have played for money."

"But what about Plato?"

"There's this show on the Discovery Civilization channel called Great Books. I've seen 'The Republic' episode like three times."

"You know, you're probably the most well-read illiterate in the world."

"Thanks."

"If only we could harness your brain for good instead of evil..."

Traffic was light on the way home. It was twenty after twelve when they arrived in front of their building. Meghan was extra careful not to strike the car beside her.

"You had fun tonight," declared Meghan matter-of-factly as William opened the apartment building door for her.

"It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be."

"Want to go back next weekend?" asked Meghan, already knowing the answer.

"Let me think about it... No."

Upon reaching the third floor, Meghan moved ahead and started to unlock her apartment. Not knowing exactly what to do next, William slowly drifted towards his door and began fishing for his keys.

Meghan opened her door. "We'll have to think of something you...," she stopped mid-sentence when she noticed William brandishing his keys. "What are you doing?"

"I was goin' home."

She wrinkled her brow in disapproval, stepped aside, and held the door open for him. That was all the invitation William needed. He put his keys back in his coat pocket and joined her across the hall. Once inside, they shut the door together.