"The Comfort in Being Sad"
by Michael Dell

CHAPTER THIRTEEN (Melanie meets Michael at mall)

Today was like a total waste. I sold what, two pieces of fudge? Not even worth writing down. The mall's dead. I shouldn't complain. It'll be crazy next week for Easter. Might as well enjoy it while I can. I should probably eat something, I may not get another chance until I get home tonight. But I'm not hungry. But I should still eat something. If I don't, I know I'll be hungry like an hour from now when I don't have time to get anything. But there's really nothing here I can eat. If she'd hurry up and get here I might have time to grab something from the food court on my way out. But there's nothing really good for me up there either. Forget it. I don't need to eat anything. I can afford to lose some weight. Quarter after three. Where is she? Might as well straighten up the stuffed animals. At least I'll look busy. C'mere, monkey. You shouldn't slouch like that. Sit up straight. That's better. You'll thank me...

"Mel?"

Mike? Oh God, it's him! "Hey!" Why today? Why today?

"How've you been?"

"Good." He looks good. Thin, but good. Aw, Mike. "How've you been?"

"I'm all right. You still working at the Twilight Zone?"

"No, I quit there about two months ago. I'm working at the Olive Garden now." Stay calm. He doesn't look real happy to see me. He probably still hates me.

"I'm glad to hear you're not working there anymore."

"Yeah, it wasn't the best atmosphere." He always hated that place.

"Yeah, you don't hear of too many people getting stabbed at the Olive Garden."

I don't know what to say. I gotta get out of here. Oh, there's an old guy that wants candy! Thank God! I don't know what to say to him. What do I say to him? Oh, Mike. Why today? Just go wait on the old guy. Maybe he'll leave. I don't want him to leave. Please don't leave.

"Hi." Chocolate lollipop. How much are the damn chocolate lollipops? "That's seventy-five cents." Don't leave! He's not leaving. "Thanks." Here he comes. Try to act mature. Show him you've matured.

"Do you still hate me?"

"No." Oh, he's so sweet. Look at him. He's still all torn up over it. "I got your letter. I was mad at you there for a while, but I got over it. I'm a big girl."

"I feel just awful. I'm so sorry. I hope you didn't mind me sending you the letter?"

"No, not at all. I still have it." Maybe I shouldn't have said that. "I didn't read it right away. I was still kind of angry at you when it came. But I did read it." He looks so depressed. I'm sorry, Michael. I'm sorry.

"I was scared you'd just rip it up."

"No, I wouldn't do that." I'm doing okay. Try not to say anything stupid. For once in your life, don't say something stupid! "So how have you been?" God, that was so stupid!

"All right..."

Ask about the book. He always liked to talk about the book. "How's the book going?"

"Good. I've got an agent."

"Really!" He has an agent. That's good news, I guess. I've never known anyone with an agent before.

"Yeah. There are five publishers looking at it now."

He's still all sad. He doesn't want to see me. He probably wishes he didn't even know me. I'm just the dumb waitress he almost made a mistake with. "You don't seem too excited."

"It takes a lot of time. It'll probably be months before I hear anything good or bad. Just gotta wait."

It's like he doesn't even want to talk to me. Then why'd he even come over? Keep asking him questions. Keep him talking. "Are you still doing that hockey thing?"

"No, I quit that last summer to focus on the books. I'm working on my second one now."

"That's cool." What right do I have even talking to him? "But what are you doing for money?" Stupid, stupid, stupid! Like it's any of my business.

"I have some saved up."

"I wish I did. I'm just waiting for another girl to show up and then I have to go right over to the Olive Garden." Yep, that's me! Stupid little waitress girl! "Which is why I'm wearing this. I still have to put my tie on yet, tho'."

"Oh, I didn't recognize the uniform. Are you done with school?"

"Yeah, I graduated in December. But I want to go back." I probably shouldn't have said that. Makes me seem even dumber, like I don't know what I want to do with my life. Like I want to be a waitress forever. What made me ever think I could be with him? Oh great, another customer. She's a browser. She's not buying anything. He's worried about her. Doesn't want to get me in trouble. Just like the old days. I can't believe he's actually here. At least she didn't take long. "You can tell when they're just looking. And I always hate when salespeople bother me."

"Yeah, I always say, 'No thanks, I'm just looking."

"Me too." That wasn't too stupid. But I should have said something else. He always makes me so nervous. Never know what to say.

"I'm just glad you're not still working at the Twilight Zone. I used to worry about you so much every time I read something in the newspaper about that place."

"You worry too much." That's so sweet. He's telling the truth too, he did worry about me. He wouldn't lie about that. He wouldn't lie. "You always try to take everything on your shoulders."

"I know. I do. And I'm kind of frail, so I really shouldn't take too much on my shoulders."

Aw. He's so cute. He always puts himself down. "How have you been eating?"

"Better. I've been eating a lot of vegetables. Spinach, green beans, lettuce, cabbage, stuff like that."

"Sounds healthy."

"Yeah, it does, doesn't it? I doubt if it is, but at least it sounds healthy."

He won't even look at me. I feel like I'm twisting his arm. He probably just wants to leave. Ask him something else. C'mon, think of something! "Do you guys still go out?"

"No, I kind of quit drinking."

"What!" Does that mean he found a reason to quit? "I don't believe it." He's probably going with somebody now. "You used to pound those Jagers pretty hard." Probably somebody older, smarter, and prettier than me. He probably thinks I'm cheap trash.

"I know, it's quite the shock. I still drink a little. Just not as much as I used to. If you want to be a writer you have to drink."

There was a little smile there. I miss his smile. "Yeah, and have a tortured soul, right?"

"Oh, I've got the tortured soul."

Why'd I have to say that? Now he looks even more depressed than ever. I'm such an idiot! "So you don't go out anymore at all?"

"No."

"You don't have to drink to go out."

"Yes, I do. I hate bars. If I'm not drunk there's no way I can stand being in a bar."

Is that his way of saying he won't go out with me? "So do all you guys still hang out?"

"Not really."

"Why not?"

"Everyone's got jobs. They're all busy with work and stuff. I'm the only one that has much free time. And really the only reason they ever went out was to watch me drink."

"Well, you should get everybody together and do something. You know, whatever guys do." Oh, that was so stupid! What's wrong with me? He looks so uncomfortable. Why am I putting him through this? If he wants to leave, I should just let him leave. "You seem very uncomfortable."

"I am very uncomfortable. I'm just so sorry. I feel awful."

He smiled there for a minute. I know, I saw it. Now he's all sad again. I hate seeing him like this. It's all my fault. "Well don't. There's no need for you to."

"I feel like I let you down."

Now he's gonna make me cry. Don't let him see you cry. Be mature. "You didn't let me down. I still adore you..." I shouldn't have said that! "... and all your friends." Don't want to scare him off. "You'll always be welcome. So don't feel bad. I'm not mad at you."

"It's not like I expected to see you today."

Maybe he doesn't hate me, maybe he's just nervous. I hope so. That would be just like him to be nervous. "I've been working here off and on for six years."

"Really? I knew you used to work here but I didn't think you still did."

How'd he know I used to work here?

"Remember Tony Ruga?"

Who? Probably some guy that told him those things about me.

"He used to work at..."

"Is there a pop machine down here?"

What? What does this guy want? Pop machine? Oh wait, I know him! What's his name? "Hi!"

"It's been a long time. Looks like somebody's all grown up!"

"Yeah, a little bit." What's his name? Ken? Carl? Who cares? Pretty rude of him to just interrupt us without even saying excuse me. Just keep smiling. Don't want to hurt his feelings. "How've you been?" Wasn't he going to marry what's her name?

"Can't complain."

"Did you guys get married yet?"

"No, that's off. We split up."

Who cares? "Aw, I'm sorry to hear it." Go away already. Why isn't Mike saying anything? He's just too polite. He's always so polite.

"Don't worry, it's for the best. I was just looking for a drink and I saw you so I figured I'd say hi. Do you know if there's a pop machine anywhere down here?"

This guy gives me the creeps. Still can't remember his name. Get Mike involved. "I don't know, is there a pop machine down here?"

"No. Try the food court."

"Is that upstairs?"

So you've never been to the mall? "Yeah."

"Okay then, take it easy. It was good seeing ya."

"Yeah, you too." Thank God.

"It's like old home week."

Oh, I didn't hear him. "What?"

"It's like old home week. Everybody you haven't seen in a while is coming back."

I'm such an idiot. "Yeah, he used to live near me but I don't even remember his name or anything."

"Do you remember the last time I saw you... up at the food court?"

How could I forget? "Yeah, I do."

"You wouldn't even look at me."

"I know, I'm sorry. That was terrible of me. I was still mad at you. I was just being a brat. I didn't know what to do."

"Well it was kind of awkward since I had Jerry with me and you had your friend with you..."

He always makes excuses for me. Can't he just see me for what I am? "Yeah, that was Michelle. She's like my best friend."

"I just wanted to apologize to you. But I didn't want to go over and say anything in front of her and embarrass you. I was trying to wait for her to leave."

"I know. I'm sorry I just walked past you like that. It was very childish." I'm sure I'm still just an immature brat to him. That's all I am. Just a stupid, immature little brat that doesn't deserve anyone as good as him. Why does he even still bother?

"It's okay. Hey, remember how you two got up and ducked out the back door?"

"Yeah." This is so embarrassing. I feel terrible. How could I have done that to him?

"I didn't even know that was an exit. I thought you just went to the rest room. So I sat out there and waited for you for like another twenty minutes before I noticed the sign."

"Yeah, that'll happen."

"Yeah, that'll happen."

I didn't mean it like that! But at least he's laughing. Oh great, she shows up now! "There you are! It's about time."

"Sorry, I got stuck after school."

"It's okay. We haven't been too busy today. Give me a sec, I gotta talk to him a minute." This is going to be tricky. "Well, I gotta get goin'. I have to be there by four."

"Okay. Want me to walk you out?"

"No, that's okay." Why did he have to come out today? "I still have to go to the bathroom and put on my tie."

"So that's it?"

"Yeah." You're free, you can go now.

"Okay."

Don't just let him walk out of your life again, stupid! Say something! "I'm sure I'll see you again."

"You will? How?"

He doesn't want to see me again! Is that what he meant? That's what he meant. I know that's what he meant. He doesn't want to see me again. Why would he? I can't blame him. Should I say something? I don't know what to say. Should I ask him to call me? He'll probably just say no. And I can't get rejected in front of Kathy. Why won't we ask for my number? If he wanted to see me again he'd ask for my number. Or at least when I work. Ask me for my number!

"I'm starting to feel uncomfortable again."

"Well, I don't know what else I can do! I told you everything's okay!" See, he can't get past it! It's never gonna be the same. He'll never think I'm good enough for him. And why should he?

"So I should make the effort to come see you?"

"Yeah, you'll always be welcome." Please please please please please. Smile at him. Aw, he smiled. He makes me blush every time.

"Okay then, I'll do that. You take care of yourself."

"You too."

He still looks so depressed. He hates me. I'll probably never see him again. I don't deserve to.

"Who was that?"

I almost forgot about her. "Nobody. You got everything under control here?"

"Yeah."

"Okay, because I gotta get going." Where's my bag? "See you later."

Why'd he have to come out today? I'm just not ready yet. Like it matters. I'll never be ready. We're just from two different worlds. It's no one's fault. I can't expect somebody like him to be with somebody like me. He's so not the right guy for me. Just forget about it. I've gotta hurry up or I'm gonna be late for work. No time to grab something to eat. Oh, I still have to put my tie on. I hate wearin' the stupid things. Where is it? I hope there's nobody in the bathroom. Good. I look terrible! Figures he'd come out today when I look awful. Can I get less sleep? Where's the damn tie? I still have his number. I could call him. Yeah, like he wants me calling him. What's the use? Right over left. If he really loves me, if he meant all those things he said in the letter, then he'll be back out to see me. Around, up, and back down. If he loves me, he'll be back. And I'll be ready next time. I'll be better. I'm going to be better for him. Why'd he have to come out today? He'll be back. I know he will. What if he doesn't? Then he'll be just like the rest. But he isn't. I know he isn't. He'll be back. He'll be back.

"Are you okay, honey?"

"Yeah." I didn't even hear her come in. Now my eyes are gonna be all red. Try to smile. "I can never tie these stupid things."