"The Comfort in Being Sad"
by Michael Dell

CHAPTER ELEVEN (Michael meets Melanie at mall)

Thirteen-dollar thesaurus.  Now I'm good to go.  I'm sure the book will just flow and flow and
flow.  I'm gonna start writing again soon as I get home.   Maybe I'll wait until Monday.  Start
fresh with a fresh week.  Enjoy my last few days of freedom and then bear down and get to work
on Monday.  That sounds like a plan.  Maybe I'll give Claire a call tonight.  Haven't seen in her
in a while.  I shouldn't let that happen.  But it's probably for the best. 

At least the mall is peaceful.  Won't be much longer once the kids get out of school.  Why can't
they make the little punks go all year long.  Maybe I'll start coming out here and hanging out
during the day.  Not like I have anything else to do.  At least it'll get me out of the 
house.  Might as well go check out the record store.  Not much else to do.  I got my thesaurus.  

There's the place Mel used to work.  I wonder how many times I walked right by her before I
knew who she was.  She was just some girl selling candy and stuffed animals at the mall. 
Probably dozens of times.  She was nothing to me then.  Didn't even know she existed.  Now
she's everything.  And to think she used to stand right there in the middle of the mall.  Right
there in that little candy stand where that girl is now.  Probably... oh fuck.  Is that her?  
It can't be her!  Christ, it's her!  It's her!  

Should I stop?  Look up, Mel!  She's so beautiful.  Please, look up!  Quit writing in that damn
book and look up!  If we could just make eye contact.  I'd know right away what to do.  Look up! 
She's not gonna look up.  What should I do?  I can't feel my arms or legs.  Why the fuck can't I
feel my arms or legs?  Damn it.  Keep walking.  Don't stop.  Keep walking.  Just go.  Don't look
back.  Go.  Forget her.  Go.  Calm down.  Get hold of yourself, you fuckin' dork.  

"Hi, how are you today?"

Who is that?  Oh, Camelot girl.  "Fine, thanks."  I gotta get control of myself.  It's 
ridiculous that she should have such an effect on me.  My whole fuckin' body's tingling.  
What is wrong with me?  I'm a grown man for Christ's sake!  She's just a girl.  Just a 
little girl.  I'm a writer, damn it.  I've been read by thousands and thousands of people.  
I've been interviewed for newspapers.  I've been quoted by ESPN.  I've written a book.  I've 
got an agent.  I'm a somebody.  But she's everything.  She's Melanie.  Then what the fuck am 
I doing here flipping through CDs when the girl I supposedly love is standing all by herself 
no more than a hundred yards away?  After all these months I finally know where she is and I'm 
too gutless to go talk to her?  I wanted a second chance.  Here it is.  Do you love her?  
Then prove it.  

I hope she's still there.  I've only been gone a minute.  But it would be my luck that she's gone
now.  Maybe I just imagined her?  There she is.  She's walkin' right at me.  Look at her.  Does
she see me?  She's fixing the shelves of stuffed animals.  Did she see me?  She had to have seen
me.  Maybe she was ignoring me again.  Can't take the chance.  

"Mel?"  Those eyes.

"Hey!"

She's smiling.  But she looks blank.  She probably doesn't even remember me.  Smile back. 
Can't.  "How've you been?"  Fuck I'm nervous.

"Good.  How've you been?"

"I'm all right."  Good lord, I can hardly speak.  I'm such a fuckin' loser.  "You still working 
at the Twilight Zone?"

"No, I quit there about two months ago.  I'm working at the Olive Garden now."  

Does she even remember me?  Maybe she doesn't recognize me.  I have lost some weight.  But I
was really thin back then, too.  Frail is frail.  I'm wearing a hat.  Maybe she doesn't 
recognize me with a hat.  She probably just thinks I'm some guy that tried to pick her up 
one night at the Twilight Zone.  I don't even think she remembers me.  "I'm glad to hear 
you're not working there anymore."

"Yeah, it wasn't the best atmosphere."

"Yeah, you don't hear of too many people getting stabbed at the Olive Garden."  What was that? 
My delivery was terrible.  Why am I so fuckin' nervous?  Because she doesn't remember me and
I'm making a fool of myself, that's why.  Where's she looking now?  Old guy wants to buy some
candy.  Great.  Where's she going?  So that's it?  She just leaves without saying anything?  
I know she has to wait on customers, but she could have given me a 'wait a second' or 'I'll 
be right back.'  What the fuck!  She just walks away!  That's it.  Just go already.  She 
doesn't want to see you.  Just leave.  You don't need this.  But I can't leave.  I can't.  
Wait for her to finish ringing up the sale then go talk to her.  Hurry up, old man.  Finally.  
Now show some poise.  I've been praying for this opportunity for months.  Here it is.  Don't 
fuck it up.  "Do you still hate me?"

"No."  

Hey, look at that.  She does remember me.  And she's getting all shy on me again.  Just like in
the old days.  Look at that smile.  Or maybe I shouldn't.  It'll just get me more nervous.  

"I got your letter."  

She got the letter!  

"I was mad at you there for a while, but I got over it.  I'm a big girl."

"I feel just awful.  I'm so sorry."  There should have never been anything for you to get over.  "I
hope you didn't mind me sending you the letter."

"No, not at all.  I still have it."  

She still has the letter!  That's something there.  Six months and she still has the letter.  
I have to mean something to her if she kept the letter.  She wouldn't have kept it if it 
didn't mean anything to her, if I didn't mean anything to her.  

"I didn't read it right away.  I was still kind of angry at you when it came.  But I did read it."  

"I was scared you'd just rip it up."


"No, I wouldn't do that."  

Don't press the issue.  She kept the letter.  And even more important, she told me she kept it. 
She wants me to know she kept it.  That's huge.  But don't force it.  Play it cool.  I'm 
still fuckin' nervous.  Calm down already.  

"So how have you been?"

She just asked me something.  What did she ask me?  How I've been.  "All right..."  Would it kill
me to smile at her?  Why can't I smile?  

"How's the book going?"

She remembered about the book.  "Good.  I've got an agent."

"Really!"

"Yeah.  There are five publishers looking at it now."

"You don't seem too excited."

Quit being so depressed!  She knows you're sorry.  Get over it.  I still can't even look at 
her.  How could I have said that to her?  "It takes a lot of time.  It'll probably be 
months before I hear anything good or bad.  Just gotta wait."  

"Are you still doing that hockey thing?"

She remembered that too.  "No, I quit that last summer to focus on the books.  I'm working on
my second one now."  Thank God for the thesaurus, at least I don't have to worry about what to
do with my hands.  

"That's cool.  But what are you doing for money?"

"I have some saved up."  

"I wish I did.  I'm just waiting for another girl to show up and then I have to go right over 
to the Olive Garden.  Which is why I'm wearing this.  I still have to put my tie on, tho'."

The white shirt and black pants must be Olive Garden standard.  "Oh, I didn't recognize the
uniform.  Are you done with school?"

"Yeah, I graduated in December.  But I want to go back."

So this lady picks now to look at fudge.  Go away!  She wants something.  Mel doesn't seem too
interested in her.  I don't want to talk in front of her though.  And I don't want to get Mel in
trouble.  But how can I?  She's the only one here.  I guess that's one of the benefits in 
working in a mid-mall candy stand.  Nod to the woman.  Mel's still not moving to her.  I guess 
she didn't want anything.

"You can tell when they're just looking.  And I always hate when salespeople bother me."

"Yeah, I always say, 'no thanks, I'm just looking...'"

"Me too."

There, that was a nice little shared moment.  Something to build on.  That should calm me down. 
How come I'm not calming down?  What were we talking about?  I don't know.  I forget.  "I'm
just glad you're not working at the Twilight Zone anymore.  I used to worry about you so much
every time I read something in the newspaper about that place."

"You worry too much.  You always try to take everything on your shoulders."

Aw, she's smiling at me again.  "I know.  I do."  That was sweet of her to say.  I feel 
so jittery.  My mouth is getting dry.  "And I'm kind of frail, so I really shouldn't take too 
much on my shoulders."  Look at that smile.  At least the mall isn't busy.  My humiliation 
won't have many witnesses.  

"How have you been eating?"

She remembered my messed up diet.  "Better.  I've been eating a lot of vegetables.  Spinach,
green beans, lettuce, cabbage, stuff like that."

"Sounds healthy."

"Yeah, it does, doesn't it?"  Why can't a look at her.  Look at the escalators.  "I doubt if 
it is, but at least it sounds healthy."

"Do you guys still go out?"

"No, I kind of quit drinking."

"What!  I don't believe it.  You used to pound those Jagers pretty hard."

"I know, it's quite the shock."  I wish I had a Jager now.  My mouth is so dry.  Can I lick 
my lips any more?  Jesus, knock it off.  "I still drink a little.  Just not as much as I used 
to.  If you want to be a writer, you have to drink."

"Yeah, and have a tortured soul, right?"

"Oh, I've got the tortured soul."  Don't look at her.  I shouldn't have said that.  Now 
she'll think she's the reason I'm so tortured.  But she is the reason.      

"So you don't go out anymore at all?"

"No."

"You don't have to drink to go out."

She was the only reason I ever went out.  Tell her.  No, don't.  Don't scare her off.  Take 
it slow.  "Yes, I do.  I hate bars.  Unless I'm drunk, there's no way I can stand being in 
a bar."  Damn my mouth is dry.  Maybe I should buy a Slush Puppy from her.  That would hit 
the spot.  There's the list of flavors.  Cherry, Lime, Grape, Watermellon... do they have gin?

"So do all you guys still hang out?"

"Not really."  How can she be so calm?  I'm a wreck.

"Why not?"

"Everyone's got jobs.  They're all busy with work and stuff.  I'm the only one that has much free
time."  Should I keep talking?  She looks so cool and controlled.  I'm usually cool 
and controlled.  I never used to be this nervous around her.  Snap out of it!  "And really 
the only reason they ever went out was to watch me drink."  

"Well, you should get everybody together and do something.  You know, whatever guys do."  

That was cute.  That was so Melanie.  What is wrong with me?   I should be enjoying this.  My
mouth is so dry.  

"You seem very uncomfortable."

At least she smiled when she said it.  No point in trying to hide it anymore.  Yeah, because I was
doing such a good job of hiding it.  "I am very uncomfortable."  Hey, I actually smiled!  That
wasn't so bad.  Now look at her.  There goes my smile.  At least hers still works.  "I'm just so
sorry.  I feel awful."  Damn, stop it!  I'm going to break down right in front of her.

"Well don't.  There's no need for you to."

I hate being emotional.  Get hold of yourself.  But I have to say it.  Be careful.  "I feel like 
I let you down."  There.  I said it. 

"You didn't let me down.  I still adore you... and all your friends.  You'll always be 
welcome.  So don't feel bad.  I'm not mad at you."

She's so sweet.  She's always sweet to me.  I'm drained.  My body feels like it's shaking.  Am I
shaking?  I better not be.  I'm such a loser.  She probably doesn't think I'm happy to see her. 
What's wrong with me?  Don't touch her, but motion towards her.  "And it's not like I expected to
see you today."  She smiled.  She understands.  

"I've been working here off and on for six years."

"Really?"  Six years!  I've been to the mall hundreds of times in the past six years.  Hell, I've
been to the mall hundreds of times in the past six months.  All those wasted chances to see
her.  "I knew you used to work here, but I didn't think you still did."  I can tell she's not 
sure how I knew.  "Remember Tony Ruga?"  Well, she obviously doesn't recognize the name.  "He 
used to work at..."

"Is there a pop machine down here?"

Who's this jackass?  No, go ahead, just jump right in with your all important pop machine
question.  It's not like we're talking here or anything, fuckin' asshole.  

"Hi!"

Oh great, she knows this guy?  She knows this ignorant tank-top wearin' prick?  

"It's been a long time.  Looks like somebody's all grown up!"  

That means he wants to fuck her.  Quit lookin' at her like that, Mr. Moustache!  I'll fuckin' drop
you right here.  What are you, like 35?  His fuckin' jeans are a mess.  Maybe he works here. 
Looks like a maintenance guy.  By the way, nice tank top.  What are they saying?  Why won't he
shut up?  He doesn't see me here?  What an asshole.  Wow, do I want to beat the fuck out of this
guy.  Dearly trailer park trash.  Quit looking at her like that!  If she even ever fucked 
this guy.  I can't just punch him in front of her.  I doubt if jealous rage is attractive.  
But he better start showing her respect.  Go away.  Shouldn't you be at a NASCAR race 
somewhere?  Wait, Mel's lookin' at me.  

"I don't know, is there a pop machine down here?"

"No."  See, I smiled.  I was friendly.  "Try the food court."  Because that's why they call it 
a food court, you dumb fuck.  How 'bout that, he's leaving.  I better not see him on the way 
out.  I should tell her to stay away from that guy.  I don't like the way he was looking at 
her.  But that might be a bit much.  Just play it off.  Maybe I'll see him on the way out.  
"It's like old home week."

"What?"

"It's like old home week.  Everybody you haven't seen in a while is coming back."

"Yeah, he used to live near me, but I don't even remember his name or anything."
     
Good.  Keep it that way.  "Do you remember the last time I saw you... up at the food court?"

"Yeah, I do."  

She's smiling again.  That's a good sign.  "You wouldn't even look at me."  Now it's kind of
funny.  It wasn't funny when it happened.

"I know, I'm sorry.  That was terrible of me.  I was still mad at you.  I was just being a 
brat.  I didn't know what to do."

She actually apologized.  Didn't expect that.  "Well, it was kind of awkward since I had Jerry
with me and you had your friend with you."

"Yeah, that was Michelle.  She's like my best friend."

"I just wanted to apologize to you.  But I didn't want to go over and say anything in front of her
and embarrass you.  I was trying to wait for her to leave."

"I know."  

Look at that smile.  She's so beautiful.  

"I'm sorry I just walked past you like that.  It was very childish."

"It's okay."  Hey, I'm actually starting to relax.  Not feeling so bad now.  I can't believe I'm
talking to her again.  All those months.  I can't believe I'm this close to her.  "Hey, remember
how you two got up and ducked out the back door?"

"Yeah."  

She's smiling because she already knows what I'm going to say.  "I didn't even know that was an
exit.  I thought you just went to the rest room.  So I sat out there and waited for you for like
another twenty minutes before I noticed the sign."

"Yeah, that'll happen."  

That's a good line.  "Yeah, that'll happen."  That's a damn good line.  I'll have to remember it. 
She's laughing.  It's so good to see her laugh again.  Now she's the one that seems uncomfortable. 
As shy as ever.  Back to being the fragile little girl around me.  I love her so much.  I'm 
still in love with her. 

"There you are!  It's about time."

"Sorry, I got stuck after school."

It must be her replacement.  Looks like a high school kid.  Damn it.  Why couldn't she have been
late a few more minutes.  Now what?    

"Well, I gotta get goin'.  I have to be there by four."

"Okay."  Say something.  "Want me to walk you out?"

"No, that's okay.  I still have to go to the bathroom and put on my tie."

What happened there?  Was that a flat out rejection?  Or maybe she just really has to go put on
her tie?  I can tie a tie like a champ.  All those years of catholic school.  I should offer 
to tie it for her.   I've gotta say something.  I can't just leave like this.  "So that's it?"

"Yeah."

That didn't take her long.  Fine.  I guess she doesn't care about me after all.  She's so tough to
read.  Her whole attitude has changed.  It might be that she's just nervous to talk in front 
of that other girl.  Or it might be that she just wants to get rid of me.  If that's how she 
wants it to end, that's how it'll end.  Start walking.  "Okay."

"I'm sure I'll see you again."

"You will?  How?"  At least she said something.  That was nice of her.  But does she mean it? 
Was she just saying that?  How naive is this girl?  She just expects us to run into each other
again?  It's been six months.  And if I didn't happen to turn my head to the left as I was walking
by we wouldn't even have seen each other today.  I'm not gonna look away this time.  I'm holding
the eye contact.  I'm tired of it.  Does she expect me to just come out here week after week and
be her loyal little boy like I was before?  I'm not going to go through that again.  She knows how
I feel about her.  She read the letter.  She kept it.  She knows.  If she lets me walk out 
it's because she wants me to.  Aw, look at her.  Now she's upset.  I didn't mean it like 
that.  Fuck.  She probably thinks I don't want to see her.  Why did I have to say it like 
that?  Everything I say sounds sarcastic.  Why doesn't she say something?  Why doesn't she 
say 'call me' or at least tell me what days she works?  Say something!  I could ask for 
her number.  Everyone asks for her number.  I don't want to be like everyone else.  But I 
could ask if it would be okay if I called her sometime.  No, I can't.  I can't.  I don't want 
to come on too strong.  It's been six months.  And the last time we talked I basically called 
her a whore.  I can't force it.  She knows how I feel about her.  She kept the letter.  That 
means she still has my number.  If she needs me, she'll call.  She knows how I feel.  It's up 
to her.  It should really be up to her.  Well, someone's gotta say something.  We've been 
looking at each other forever.  "I'm starting to feel uncomfortable again."

"Well, I don't know what else I can do!  I told you everything's okay!"  

Aw fuck, I think she's getting mad at me again.  "So I should make the effort to come see you?"

"Yeah, you'll always be welcome."

"Okay then, I'll do that."  It seemed to calm her.  She's so beautiful.  Get her to smile again. 
Smile at her.  There.  Don't ever forget that smile.  "You take care of yourself."

"You too."

Now go.  Be strong.  Don't look back.  Why is my head hanging down?  Stand tall.  At least it's
over with.  You knew it was going to be brutal.  But now it's out of the way.   And she did her
best to make it as easy as possible for me.  She was very kind.  She carried me.  And she kept the
letter.  The next time will be easier.  If there is a next time.  I still don't know when 
she works.  I'll come out the same time next week.  That'll probably be my best shot.  If not, 
I can always come out the day after that.  Or the one after that.  Or the one after that.  But 
I doubt she even wants me to come back.  Now she'll probably be dreading each day she works.  
Why don't I just leave her alone?  I have no right to be with her.  She deserves better than 
me.  The best thing she ever did was get rid of me.  She doesn't need me.  She's better 
off without me.  What can I do for her?  I don't have any money yet.  I can't take care of 
her.  It's just not the right time.  I'm not ready.  Now's not the right time.  I wonder 
if she'll be working tomorrow...