December 3, 2002

"The Picture of Dorian Gray" by Oscar Wilde: Basil Hallward has stumbled upon every artist's dream: living, breathing inspiration. Basil's muse is found in the form of Dorian Gray, a young man of such delicate beauty he can't help but win the favor of everyone he meets. With Dorian stoking the creative fires, Basil's art reaches new heights, culminating in a portrait of Mr. Gray that perfectly captures the subject's singular allure.

As Basil is placing the finishing touches on the masterpiece, he makes the mistake of introducing the innocent Dorian to Lord Henry Wotton, a gentleman whose suspect morals are only surpassed by his intellect and wit. Dorian is mesmerized by the eloquent words and radical ideas of Lord Henry, calling into question his very view of life. Dorian is no longer satisfied with being beautiful knowing that his beauty will one day diminish with the passage of time, leaving him ugly, wrinkled, and withered. Upon seeing Basil's work, Dorian collapses in a fit of despair, questioning why the portrait would be allowed to remain youthful while he was condemned to age.

Dorian remains under the spell of Lord Henry. He begins to experience life in new ways, falling prey to all its momentary pleasures. One evening, after cruelly breaking the heart of his betrothed, Dorian returns home and is horrified to discover that the angelic portrait of himself had changed; anger had found the eyes and a cruel sneer wrenched the once fine lips.

The portrait had become a mirror of Dorian's soul, a shining light upon his darkest transgressions. Fearing someone would discover the truth about him, Dorian has the picture locked away from prying eyes. His secret is safe. As he continues to live his dastardly life, it's the portrait that displays the strain. Dorian's beauty never fades.

"The Picture of Dorian Gray" is nothing short of magnificent. It analyzes the nature of beauty, the depths of one's soul, and the wages of sin. The concept itself is brilliant. And Mr. Wilde brings it to life with startling grace, creating a story that could serve as a worthy definition of "literature." Each page crackles with Mr. Wilde's legendary wit, especially the epigrammatic dialogue of Lord Henry.

It is said that Wilde based the three main characters upon himself, with Lord Henry representing what the world thought he was, Basil what he thought he was, and Dorian what he wished to be. Which is kind of an odd coincidence because I always felt that the main characters of "Stop or My Mom Will Shoot" were based on me.

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"A High Wind in Jamaica" by Richard Hughes: Let me begin by quoting from the inside cover. One Mr. Louis Untermeyer, I believe we can all agree that he's very good, had this to say about our selection: "'A High Wind in Jamaica' is one of the most startling tales in English literature. The plot begins by being mildly fanciful and ends by being almost too terrible to believe."

Wait, there's more. A Ms. Rebecca West adds: "a hot draught of mad, primal fantasy and poetry."

Now, I don't know who these Untermeyer and West people are, but one thing is for certain. They need to get out more.

"A High Wind in Jamaica" begins with the Thornton family living a peaceful, secluded life on the island of Jamaica. Then this big hurricane comes and there's all sorts of wind and rain and whatnot. While the family survives intact, all save the cat, the storm is an ominous portent of things to come. Symbolism can be fun.

The Thornton children, John, Emily, Edward, Rachel, and Laura, along with neighbors Margaret and Harry, are soon shipped off for school in England. Along the way they're kidnapped by pirates. But it really isn't all bad. See, these are friendly pirates. Sometimes they give their parrot two crackers. Anyway, the kids really don't even know what's going on, they just think they changed ships to continue on their journey to England. And the two main pirates, Captain Jonsen and Otto, are more godfathers than swashbucklers. The kids are really having a grand old time. Okay, so there's a death, some murder, maybe even a little sexual misconduct, but that's pretty much a typical weekend here at 70 Proof.

Emily Thornton is the key character. It's around this precocious 10-year-old lass that the story spins. It seems Emily could be all oatmeal north of the eyebrows. She's kind of contemplating life's great mysteries, even pondering whether or not she's God. That's interesting. Do you think many 10-year-old girls have God complexes? When I was 10 I used to eat a lot of paste.

"A High Wind in Jamaica" attempts to examine themes of innocence. Are any of us, even children, truly innocent? Can even the most dreadful of actions be washed away by an uncaring mind?

I always wonder about people that write for children or base stories upon children. Something had to happen early in life to leave them so arrested by youthful experience. Hell, I can barely remember anything that happened to me before the age of 23. And even then memories can only be stitched together from tattoos, police blotters, and eyewitness accounts.

This was a tough book to rate. At times it can be very funny, particularly in the varying accounts of how the children came to be kidnapped. Yet it can also be, oh, what's the word I'm looking for... boring. The first 40 pages or so race by with all the speed of a tax refund. Then there's the whole kids thing. If I wanted to read about kids I'd open up the results of all those paternity tests. I just expected more. The book does, however, have a tremendous closing line. And good endings can make up a lot of ground.

If we gave out half shots, I'd give it two and a half. But what good is half a shot? Who wants to get half drunk? If you like kids and stories involving kids and the minds of kids, then by all means give it a whirl. Otherwise, don't bother.

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