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"All's Well That Ends Well" by William Shakespeare: Hey, did you ever wonder where the phrase "All's well that ends well" comes from? Well, wonder no more. In fact, if you ever question the origin of a popular phrase, just put two dollars down on ol' Shakespeare. This guy was full of 'em.

Considering the title, you can probably figure out that the play features someone going through hardships before emerging the better for it. Helena is the poor soul who gets tested. Her father was a legendary physician who couldn't save himself. After his death, Helena is taken in by the Countess of Rousillon, who loves the girl as if she were her own daughter. The Countess also has a son, Bertram. And Helena loves him as if he were her own, well, brother she could sleep with. Yes, Helena is hopelessly in love with Bertram, but she knows they'll never be together since she's a commoner and he's of noble birth. Class distinctions were huge back then. Not like today, where common folk always wed the rich and famous. C'mon, it can happen. Just because Keira Knightley won't return my emails doesn't mean there's no hope.

While Helena is busy pining for Bertram, the King of France is dying. The royal doctors are at a loss. There's simply nothing they can do to prevent the inevitable. But Helena thinks she can help. Her father entrusted her with all his medicinal potions, including one that would surely heal the King. The idea of a mere girl succeeding where renowned physicians failed seems preposterous. The King has no intentions of entertaining the folly until Helena guarantees her work with her life. In turn, if she were to succeed, she asks the King to guarantee her the hand of any man she chooses in marriage. The King gives his word, and his faith is rewarded. Gee, I wonder if she has a cure for general apathy?

Needless to say, the King is overjoyed and all too willing to repay his part of the deal. And he doesn't anticipate any great difficulty. After all, Helena is beautiful, smart, gentle, and kind. She would make an ideal wife. Try telling that to Bertram. The young Count of Rousillon is disgusted when Helena chooses him for her husband. The idea of marrying a lowly commoner sickens him. He makes nice so as not to offend the King and actually goes through with the marriage. But the moment the ceremony is concluded, Bertram flees, running off to find glory in the wars. He sends Helena a letter proclaiming that she will never truly be his wife until she takes his family's ring from his finger and carries his child in her womb. And since the marriage was never consummated, that second part is going to be real tricky. Ah, but Helena isn't about to give up. Love will find a way, even if it requires some deceit, a darkened room, and the assistance of a willing French girl. Hmm, come to think of it, that sounds a lot like how I lost my virginity.

And speaking of sexual purity, the most memorable exchange of the entire play occurs when Helena and Parolles, a cowardly friend of Bertram's, engage in a conversation about virginity (Act I, Scene I). Helena states her intentions of remaining a virgin until she can have the man she loves, while Parolles contends it's disrespectful for a woman to remain a virgin because it slanders the mother, who had to surrender her virginity in order to grant life to the child. He also argues that remaining a virgin is akin to suicide, since chastity assures an end to the line of virgins, while shedding one's virginity can allow for the creation of countless new virgins. It's quite the compelling argument. I really could of used this Parolles guy's help on prom night.

One will also notice a similarity with "Macbeth," in that the seemingly impossible comes to fruition. However, unlike in "Macbeth," where coincidence and fate rule the day, here Helena must actively conspire to trick Bertram into making his improbable demands come true.

The message in "All's Well That Ends Well" is kind of twisted. Basically, Helena is just an obsessive stalker. She won't rest until Bertram loves her, no matter how much he protests. It's actually kind of disturbing. While Helena is presented as a lovely young woman, it's difficult to see her as anything but demented. There's a difference between being in love and being mentally disturbed. Granted, it's a slight difference, due mainly to the quality of prescription drugs involved, but there's still a difference.

Helena would have been better off heeding the advice of legendary blues musician Son House, who summed up unrequited love with the following...

"You know, it's hard to love someone that don't love you,
Ain't no satisfaction, don't care what in the world you do,
Yeah, it's hard to love someone that don't love you,
You know it don't look like satisfaction, don't care what in the world you do."

Speak on, brother.

RATING: Three Shots

If you'd like to learn more about Edward de Vere and the truth about Shakespeare, here are a few links to get you started...

Shakespeare Oxford Society Home Page

The Shakespeare Authorship Studies Conference: Who Was Edward de Vere?

The Shakespeare Authorship Studies Conference: A Few Curiosities Regarding Edward de Vere and the Writer Who Called Himself Shakespeare

The de Vere Society

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