The 70 proof staff enjoys three things above all else. And it just so happens that reading is third behind only... well, let's just say it's third.

Every few weeks we'll provide brief reviews of the books we've been reading in hopes of helping you, our valued readers, make better choices the next time you're at the library, book store, or refined brothel.

We rate books on a scale of zero to four shots, with four being a work of true genius.

Feel free to let us know if you have any books in particular you would like us to address.

April 29, 2002

"The Old Man and the Sea" by Ernest Hemingway: I'm sure most people had to read this in school, so I kind of missed out on it. Since, you know, school's for suckers.

Anyway, this is the story of Santiago, an old Cuban fisherman who has seen better days. When the book opens, Santiago has gone 84 days without catching a fish. I can't remember the last time I went 84 days without catching something. Marvel of marvels that penicillin. But I digress. The drought doesn't diminish Santiago's determination. Soon he's out on the sea by himself, in his own tiny boat, battling a mammoth 18-foot marlin of equal conviction.

It's in Santiago's struggle with the great fish that Hemingway's simple, crisp style brings to life man's inner drive to succeed and survive. Some may consider this nothing more than a tale of man vs. nature; Santiago vs. the fish. But in actuality it's more man vs. himself. It's Santiago's resilience in the face of seemingly impossible odds that wins the day. He's fighting himself, not the marlin.

I also feel the story works as an allegory regarding success in general. Santiago's long, lonely journey, his perseverance, the hardships, the accomplishment, and the ensuing devastation of his work, to the point where others don't even recognize the triumph, all speak to the nature of celebrity.

RATING:

"Wayward Bus" by John Steinbeck: Juan and Alice Chicoy are the proprietors of a roadside diner in Nowheresville, California. Truck drivers and reluctant tourists make up most of the patronage. Juan earns a little extra scratch on the side by running his own bus, beleaguered as it may be, carrying passengers along a connecting route to the bright lights of Los Angeles. One such trip sets the stage for a remarkably vivid character study and a truly great work of literature.

Aside from the brilliance of Steinbeck, another reason why I really liked this book is it's, like, so "Gilligan's Island." Check this out...

Okay, so you've got Juan Chicoy. He's clearly the Skipper. It's his bus, man. His show. He's always been somewhat of a rebel. Kind of a loner. Yet now he finds himself stuck in a taxing relationship with his wife, a hot-headed, yet good-hearted, alcoholic. Juan loves Alice, but he doesn't know how much more he can take. The road is calling him. He wants freedom.

Kit "Pimples" Carson is Gilligan with a sex drive. The awkward, skin-impaired young man works at the diner with Juan and Alice, doing odd jobs and helping Juan take care of the bus. His eagerness to please Juan is only surpassed by his desire to get laid. He goes along on the ride under the guise of a mechanic, there to provide help if the ailing bus breaks down, but he's really there to scope out the lovely Camille.

At least Camille is the name she chose for herself from among advertisements in the diner. A beautiful, luscious blonde, "Camille" tells everyone that she's a dental assistant. Uh huh. Sure. With legs like that? Actually, she's a stripper. And, despite her young age, she's been around the block more than the ice cream man. She knows men. She knows how to use them without getting attached. So, naturally, she's Ginger.

The Mary Ann role is filled by Norma, whose dream it is to make it in Hollywood or to at least marry Clark Gable. Norma quits her gig waitressing at the diner when she catches Alice going through her private belongings, including a letter addressed to Mr. Gable. Norma, in all her youthful exuberance, packs her bags and decides to set out on a new life. She quickly attaches herself to Camille, as a little sister would to an elder sibling.

Ernest Horton serves as the Professor. Ernest is a traveling salesman of novelty items. And even though he's hawking gags such as fake bloody toes and toilet-shaped alcohol dispensers, Ernest has a quiet wisdom about him that he surely earned as a soldier during the War.

The Howells would be Mr. and Mrs. Pritchard, a wealthy couple on vacation to Mexico with their daughter, Mildred. They decided upon bus travel so they could see the country. Mr. Pritchard is a pompous ass. Think George Babbit with less sense. Mrs. Pritchard makes Lovey Howell seem low maintenance. Mildred, a young woman in her early 20s, is embarrassed almost to the point of shame that she should have such overbearing, empty-headed parents. Mildred wants a real life. Something of importance. Something passionate. It's this restlessness that stirs within her an undeniable attraction for Juan. Maybe that's why there's no corresponding character to Mildred on the TV show, no one wanted to think of the Skipper getting some.

The last member of the entourage is Van Brunt, a miserable old man that is quick to criticize and slow to shut up. He has reasons for being surly. He could be the most compelling character of the lot.

So there you go. You've got your Gilligan, your Skipper, too. A millionaire and his wife. A movie star. The Professor and Mary Ann... plus Mildred and Van Brunt... all on Gilligan's Isle!

Of course, the bus itself is symbolic of life, as it carries us along our way into the unknown. Brilliant character development and rich, full detail easily makes this a four-shot book and one of Steinbeck's best. "Grapes of Wrath" is perfection. It set the bar. But "Wayward Bus" isn't far behind, slipping in slightly ahead of "The Winter of Our Discontent."

RATING:

"The Moon Is Down" by John Steinbeck: After the glory of "Wayward Bus", Steinbeck's "The Moon Is Down" is somewhat of a disappointment. That's what he gets for planning a novel around "BJ and the Bear". It worked once with "Gilligan's Island" but c'mon!

No, actually "The Moon Is Down" is supposedly based on the German occupation of a Norwegian town during World War II. I say "supposedly" because I only learned that little bit of information while reading a description of the text online, after I had already read the book.

The point of the story is that this outside army overtakes a town only to suffer the consequences of doing so. The once peaceful citizens rise up and try to regain their freedom in subtle, yet effective ways, driving the opposing army commanders to frustration and madness.

That sounds like a swell idea. But the confusing part is that Steinbeck never names the town or the invading army. If these are German soldiers shouldn't they have German sounding names? Shouldn't the citizens seem of Norwegian descent? The story would have worked if everything remained nameless, creating an examination of war and its psychology in a vacuum free of any exact geographical location or period in time. But that potential is ruined by one or two references to England and the United States. I spent most of the book trying to figure out where the hell all these people were. It was distracting to say the least.

The tone is also uneven. It started out like it was going to be a comedy and then proceeds to lose all trace of humor by the fourth chapter. Despite the drawbacks, there's still some quality material here. There's one sequence involving an opposition soldier and the widow of a slain townsmen that is exceptional in both conception and execution. Still, this is one of Steinbeck's lesser works. Don't be scared to get aboard the "Wayward Bus" instead...

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